I am entirely arrested by my own self doubt. I question every move, and out of fear of failure, stand still. And I have this habit of standing still, never making changes, taking chances, and complaining that nothing changes.
I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing with my life. And I feel like a big part of that has to do with anxiety. Particularly social anxieties that I’ve felt since elementary school. I could go into cataloging all the ways in which I have retrospectively realized anxiety has effected my life and my choices, but that would just be a crazy long list. But just for example, I was always the “shy” girl in school. I really wasn’t all that shy, people who know/understand me know I can actually be quite blunt and unfiltered. I wasn’t shy so much as terrified of saying something “wrong” in front of people who may not understand me.
I’ve always felt “different” (especially growing up) and not the cool kind of different, but like my ideas are too lame and/or out in left field. And because of my fear of being too “out there,” I would always try to push down my impulses to say/do the random things that pop into my head. This same fear also always made me too afraid to share anything personal or creative with.. well anyone really. (Which is also why I was debating whether to even post this or not, but Hubs talked me into it.) Now, I fear that I’ve spent so much time suppressing my weirdness, that I’ve lost all creativity. And yet a large part of me yearns to be creative.
I so wish I could be one of those ballsy people who knows exactly what they want, and just goes for it. I wish I could tap into my creativity that I feel may be buried deep down within me, and do something productive with it. I wish I could say screw looking for a worthwhile career to just survive off of, and start doing something purely because I’m passionate about it. But I don’t even know what that is anymore. I’m clueless. At a bit of a standstill.
I don’t write these things to seek the pity of others, and I don’t mean this as negatively as it’s potentially coming off. To be clear, I wouldn’t say I’m embarrassed by my weirdness, I’m quite fond of it really. But I do struggle to wield it in a productive way, like I wish I could 😉 This has been more to express myself (something I struggle with), and by just putting it out there, a reminder to myself to occasionally be daring…
So, I guess, my challenge to myself and to others is to be daring. Be passionate about something. And most of all, do something.